How do you begin with a ministry to troubled young people? You do it by reaching them one at a time. You get to know the individuals. If you’re having a problem with a young person–if he’s disobedient, if he has an attitude–don’t embarrass him, don’t insult him. Take him aside. You want to encourage him.
One of the things you must appreciate right away is that you cannot defeat him physically or by hard words. He is accustomed–being brought up on the streets–to being kicked, cursed at, his father may be in prison. So there is nothing you can say to intimidate him any further than he has already been intimidated. You can’t insult him, you can’t embarrass him–but you can lose him.
So what do you do? You do something that has never been done to him before–you love him. You love him by putting your hand on his shoulder. You look into his eyes, and then you speak to him. You let him know, “We are going to make it together. I’d like to be that Dad that you never had. In fact, I’d like to pray with you right now.”
I guarantee, he has probably never had anyone say those words to him in his life. He has never had a man, with no one else around, no one else to intimidate him, or embarrass him, to ask him, “Can we pray together?” And then out loud to pray, “Lord, thank You for (call him by name).” He’s never heard that before. “Thank you for bringing him into my life.” He’s never heard that before! By showing love to him, grace to him, you can gain his ear, win his heart, because it’s never happened before. Then let him know, “Here’s my phone number at home; if you ever need me–call me! By the way, when is your birthday?” Get his birthday and remember him on his birthday, and at Christmas. It will work because “Love never fails.”
The same is true regarding that nephew or niece, that son or daughter, or maybe that neighbor. When was the last time you prayed with them? I mean, you fussed at him, you threatened him, and all of this hasn’t worked. When was the last time you really took him or her aside and prayed with them?
Does you child know, and it can be applied to other children as well, that you love one another fervently, husband and wife? All of us know whether or not there was genuine love between our parents, not because of what they said but because you could sense it, you could feel it, you could see it. They loved each other and that makes a tremendous impression on children in the home.
Does your child know that you pray for him or her daily? Have you ever said to them, “Son,” or “Daughter, I’m praying for you. I’ve never ceased praying for you every day. I mention your name to the Lord”?
Does the young person know that you are concerned about their personal interests? Do you help them evaluate their activities, their choices, by the Word? And when you take something from a young person, give them something better–and give them an explanation why it is better. Young people withdraw from negative people who are always taking something and never replacing it. The Lord doesn’t do that; He takes the bad and gives us something better, something the best. We take and we replace it with nothing and then we expect the child to like it–it won’t work!
Young people are not all the same so they need to be treated differently. They have different temperaments, different emotions, different responses to life. This idea is included in Proverbs 22:6, “train up a child in the way he should go,” and that also means spiritually, I believe. Recognize first of all that every child is a gift from God.
It’s very important that we take people aside, and that we pray with them and talk with them one on one. And you would be surprised if you ever shared this with a child, “I want you to pray to ask the Lord to help Mom and Dad in those areas that you see that we need help in, and we will do the same for you.” Have you ever said that?
When was the last time you asked your child for forgiveness for something you said harshly or did in a mean-spirited way?
Or when was the last time that you corrected your child and shouldn’t have because you were angry? The Bible warns us not to provoke our children to wrath, and one of the ways you do this is by acting in anger, and not apologizing to that child. We’re not perfect; this matter of parenting is all on-the-job training.
Would your child consider you to be approachable? Loving? Friendly? Honest? Caring? Forgiving? Or would your child consider you to be temperamental, insensitive, unapproachable, dishonest, unloving, uncaring, unforgiving? You know what some children say to me, “Why is Dad so loving, so patient, so kind to other children, but not to me?” The two main goals that Christian parents want to achieve with their children are a solid basis for family togetherness and individual spiritual development. It begins with our attitudes and actions.
What can you do if you suspect that the teenager you want to help is using drugs? Don’t delay! The younger the user the faster the rate of addiction. Don’t look the other way and deny the obvious; you’re only giving away valuable time. There could be some hidden battles that he is experiencing and he may be crying out for help.
Learn to recognize the danger signals: dropping of grades, the inability or willingness to look you in the eye, imprecise eye movement, change in temperament, fighting with siblings over small matters, a change in friends, keeping late hours outside of the home, lying, the need for more money than is necessary, neglect of personal hygiene or appearance, inappropriate overreaction to mild criticism, disappearance of valuables from the home, reduction in attention span, impaired communication skills, or sudden telephone hang-ups.
Of course we don’t model ourselves by what others want us to be; our desire is to be what the Lord wants us to be. But it is helpful to know what teens, especially troubled teens, don’t appreciate in adults.
First, teens don’t like parental anger, in fact they dread it. It is perhaps the most devastating, helpless feeling in the world, and that is why you shouldn’t discipline with it. While it is true we can be angry “and sin not,” our lives should be marked by temperate actions. We should treat our young people as we would like to be treated. Remember: they are people too.
Second, teens don’t like pessimistic or negative attitudes in their parents. Teens are so impressionable, they have a hard time handling those kind of things. If they see that their parents have no reason to hope, they will not have hope as well.
Don’t try to choose their friends, but create an environment where they can choose the best friends.
Teens don’t like adults acting like teenagers. They don’t appreciate it when you try to talk to them as if you are their buddy. You are their parent, their elder, their youth leader. Be a mature influence; be yourself; be real!
Teens don’t like their parents trying to live their lives through them. Eventually you have to take the training wheels off, and they are going to fall. You know that because you fell. That’s part of life; that’s part of growing up. Of course, be there for them when they fall, and it is not wrong to try to preserve them from regrets in life.
Teens do not like adults that show favoritism. Going back to what I said earlier, some parents have more time for those in the youth group than for their own children at home–beware of that! Some young people are more attractive in their personalities than others. Go out of your way to “observe these things without preferring one before another, doing nothing by partiality” (1 Tim. 5:21).
Teenagers like when their parents are considerate to their friends, when they are firm, fair, and consistent, and parents respect their privacy and confirm their faith and trust in them.
Young people need straight answers. Unless we are able to let our kids know what the real issues are, and God’s solutions to the problems of life, we are in danger of losing them. How thankful we should be that we do have the answers in the Word of God.