While it is a great privilege as a shepherd to be called on to perform a wedding, it is also a solemn responsibility from the Lord to teach the couple and shepherd them in His paths of truth. Pre-marital counselling has become a necessity due to the volume of incorrect information a couple receives by the time they arrive at this point in their decision for marriage. Pre-marital counselling can be called preventive counselling, for it can prevent many a heartache and disappointment in years to come, when from the beginning they are led to see God’s beautiful plan and wonderful provisions for marriage.
Our Bible opens with reference to marriage in the Creation account, pauses to give us a glimpse of the first marriage, and then closes with a cry of the heart from the loving Bride to her Bridegroom, “Come!” All between Genesis 1 and Revelation 22, the Word of God is packed with instructions, illustrations, guidelines, and warnings, all with the purpose of revealing the mind of God on the subject of marriage. The Word also reveals its authority on the subject, and shows how we can experience the joys intended for us in this wonderful institution.
I. PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS
If at all possible, plan 3 or 4 sessions with the couple of about one to one-and-a-half hours each, perhaps one session a week in the last month or so before their wedding.
Encourage conversational teaching. Too much lecturing finds them not taking it all in. Have them bring their Bibles to search the passages under consideration.
Always begin and end in prayer, praying for their well-being and for their understanding to be enlightened.
If intimate questions need to be addressed, meet privately with the young man and have your wife or a godly mature sister meet with the young lady.
II. COUNSELLING SUGGESTIONS
• Don’t assume you are counselling believers: 2 Corinthians 6:14 is a good place to start. Have them share their conversion experience with you.
• Have them express what qualities they admire in one another that drew them to this decision.
• Have them express what changes (dislikes) they would make in the other if it were possible. (It may take some good-natured prompting to get them to openly reveal the others’ faults.)
• Make simple notes in this exercise and then use these findings to teach them:
1. We do not change one another (for the better, at least). Only God can change hearts resulting in changed behavior or attitudes. We must learn to accept the likes with the dislikes. Learn to give and forgive (1 Cor. 13:5, “Love…doth not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.”)
2. This channel of open communication about differences is needful and should be encouraged between them, not to point out the other’s faults, but to provide a better understanding of what concerns the other (Amos 3:3).
3. Certain strengths that are admired in the other often demonstrate weaknesses in one’s own life. It is a wonderful time to demonstrate how two are better than one (Eccl. 4:9-12). It is also a time to reveal how that 3-fold cord—they with the Holy Spirit—can build a lasting relationship of interdependence with each other (Eph. 5:21). Draw them the simple triangular graphic illustrated on page 20.
Take some time to review God’s creative distinctions in men and women (Gen. 1:26-28; 2:15-25; 3:1-6).
1. Both were created by God with similarities (Gen. 1:26-28).
a) Image (reflection of God—we are personal, rational, moral beings).
b) Likeness (resemblance to God—thinking, willful, feeling).
c) Given dominion (to oversee earth under God’s rule).
d) To be fruitful and multiply (co-dependent upon each other in this God-designed role).
e) To subdue (both are to acquire knowledge to master the elements, learn the secrets of the universe, and use them for God’s glory).
In all of these areas, men and women stand on level ground before the Lord.
2. Though men and women have similarities, God designed certain roles for each. Adam was created first (priority of leadership). Eve was created second to be his companion and helper as the leader in God’s creation.These truths are stated in Genesis, illustrated throughout the OT, and taught in the NT (1 Cor. 11; 2 Tim. 2). Man’s responsibilities:
a) Man was created with a desire to be a provider (Gen. 2:15), “till it.”
b) Man was created with a desire to be a protector (Gen. 2:15), “keep (guard) it.”
c) He was created with a desire to be a decision maker (Gen. 2:19-20).
These qualities were created in man for the position of being the loving head. Even thought much was marred in the Fall, God still hold the man responsible in these areas. Now, as “new creatures in Christ Jesus,” and with the enablement of the Holy Spirit, Ephesians 5:23 can and should becomes a reality. Discuss the “virtuous woman” of Proverbs 31 who helps her husband in many ways.
Also discuss how his being the Decision Maker does not restrict her input into the decision making. A wise husband listens to his wife’s feelings and suggestions to aid in his decision-making responsibility.
The woman’s sphere is also illustrated:
a) She was created with the desire to be needed. (Gen. 2:18). Man was alone and needed her help.
b) She was created with the desire to be loved. (Gen. 2:21-23). She came next to his heart. “No man ever yet hated his own flesh” (Eph. 5:29). Make this key point to the man.
c) She was created with the desire to be protected (Gen. 2:21-23); she came from close to his side. Use this to show why frustrations develop in marriage and how these created drives within each, if unfulfilled, result in problems.
Move further in the discussion to show that these characteristics affect our thinking, actions, and decision-making. Eve’s decision in Genesis 3 was based on her feelings and she was moved by her emotions and needs. Men are often charged with being insensitive and unresponsive, but often this is from the perspective of the wife who has greater creative drives in these areas. Men and women do think and act differently in given situations, but when husbands and wives understand each other’s created distinctions, there are grounds for resolving differences.
3. Re-enforce how sin has continued to mar our part in this wonderful plan for marriage, but stress how God has resolved the problem (2 Cor. 5:17). God desires to restore through us His original design. The Ephesians 5 teaching on marriage re-enforces this.
a) v. 22, wives in willing submission to husbands
b) v. 23, 25, 28, husbands to lead and be the lover
The commands given here are indicative of our weakness in these areas. In 1 Peter 3:7, the Word instructs believing husbands to understand their wives and dwell with them in this light. Also in this passage we see a believing wife who has a husband who doesn’t believe (vv. 1-6), yet her willing submission is still as “unto the Lord,” and she may win him “without a word” by godly living.
4. Discuss the complementary God-given roles of loving leadership and willing submissiveness for the home. Point out how leadership includes areas of spiritual as well as physical and emotional leadership on the husband’s part. Continue to stress, that without a sense of dependency on the Lord, this is not possible.
E. Spend time in 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, understanding God’s concept of true, Christlike love:
1) Point out men and women’s natural capacity for love is only a response from the other’s outreach of love. “I love you because you love me” can become “I’ll throw rocks at you if you throw rocks at me.” God’s desire is that His love (agape), which He has placed within us, being “shed abroad in our hearts” (Rom. 5:5), will provide the resources to weather the storms of life—which are sure to come. Again, use the simple triangular illustration to illustrate that our fellowship with one another is in direct proportion to our fellowship with the Lord. The realities of 1 Corinthians 13:1-8 can be experienced in our lives and in marriage, when we walk in the Spirit.
F. Spend a session helping the couple develop a budget for their living expenses. Go over this budget with them and spend ample time sharing personal reflections in this area. Use the time to teach:
1) Scriptural giving (1 Cor. 16:1-2; 2 Cor. 9; 3 Jn. 5-8).
2) Being content with such as God supplies (Phil. 4:10-11; 1 Tim. 6:6-11).
3) While not hoarding, encourage saving for the unexpected, being a good steward of God’s provisions (Prov. 6:6-11). We are to give to the Lord, care for the poor, invest in eternity, look after our families, while giving a day’s honest work for our wages.
And be available after the wedding for ongoing care!