What kind of person would even think of responding to an ad like this? Only the best.
Major investment firm seeks motivated individuals who are desiring “a good work.”1 Such will be called on to make a major investment themselves.2 Previous education in St. Mary’s College3 preferred, but rigorous on-the-job training provided. Must be prepared to work late hours on occasion, have personal plans rearranged at the last minute, and receive regular criticism, much of it unfounded. The pay scale at present is minimal (to say the least) but retirement benefits are out of this world.4
Applicants must have dual functioning tear ducts (in order to “weep with those that weep”5), a firm but gentle voice, knees that bend often, and open ears. In addition, must know how to keep mouth shut regarding confidential matters.
This position requires the heart of a lion, the hide of a rhino, the vision of an eagle, and the agility of a mountain goat. Nevertheless applicant must be a real man to qualify.
Experience in military service for the king—the use of all available armor and developed skill in swordsmanship6—is essential. Also having raised family well is a must.7 Individual applying must be willing to open his home to others, thus showing a hospitable spirit,8 to open his heart in honest accountability to his fellow workmates,9 and to open his hand to those in need.
Anyone desiring this position must know how to use an alarm clock for early rising, how to use the Owner’s Manual for his own direction and for teaching others,10 and how to use a shepherd’s crook for guiding his charges. Must not be afraid of long hours, dark nights, wild storms, grievous wolves, or the devil himself, because he has learned to implicitly trust the Managing Director in all such conditions.
Job openings are available worldwide but transfers are rarely arranged. Most successful applicants live and die at their post. Should be prepared to be unnoticed by the world, unappreciated by those being served, misunderstood and regularly taken advantage of.
The company11 of those seeking to employ such applicants is composed of former blasphemers, adulterers, thieves, murderers and many other categories of such ne’er-do-wells. Those with which the applicant must work on a day-to-day basis can be amazingly like sheep in their behavior,12 calling the respondent to know how to find green pastures and still waters,13 how to steer clear of perverse men and hirelings,14 and how to feed, lead, and take heed to the people in his care.
Benefits include happy fellowship with like-minded workmates, the joy of a job well done, the smile of the Chief Superintendent upon your work, and ultimately, the approbation of “the Shepherd that died for the sake of the flock.” Also promised are rich times in the Word, power in prayer, and being “workers together” with God.15
This is a limited time offer. Soon this branch office of the company will be closed, moving all involved to Out-of-this-World Headquarters, where such services will no longer be required.16 If willing and able, apply today.
Note: Even though you may not qualify under this demanding category, there are many other openings in supporting roles. In fact, there is room for every serious, hard-working person on the team.
Endnotes:
1. 1 Tim. 3:1
2. 1 Jn. 3:16
3. at the feet of Jesus
4. 1 Pet. 5:4
5. Rom. 12:15
6. Eph. 6:10-18
7. 1 Tim. 3:4
8. Titus 1:8
9. 1 Pet. 5:5
10. Acts 20:28
11. 1 Cor. 6:10-11, for eg.
12. See Isa. 53; Jn. 10
13. Ps. 23:2
14. Acts 20:30; Jn. 10:12-13
15. 2 Cor. 6:1
16. Rev. 7:16-17