It was a call of desperation. Though the brother on the line was an elder, this was the first time he had been called on to conduct a funeral. Since normally there are only two or three days given to prepare for a funeral message, a first time request can be frightening.
With great anxiety, the brother expressed his concerns: “I’ve never paid any attention to the order of the services I’ve attended. I’ve given little attention to what is generally said. Where do I start?”
His call to me was not only because I had been with him a few months earlier when we visited the young boy who had died. He also knew that I had been a licensed mortician and have conducted quite a few funerals. After much time on the phone, he conducted the child’s funeral and reports from those who were there say he did an excellent job. For this we praise God.
Because there may be others in days to come who will find that they have little time to prepare for such an occasion, these notes are humbly shared, trusting that the Lord may use them to help others of His saints.
As in every service that we do for the Lord, keep in mind that the overall objective must be “that in all things He might have the preeminence.” Also, as a minister of the gospel, never forget that a minister is a servant (2 Cor. 4:5).
Purposes to Keep in Mind
Being asked to conduct a funeral service should be considered a sacred responsibility that affords an opportunity to be a blessing to many. There is no pattern in Scripture for conducting a funeral service. In every funeral attended by the Lord Jesus, the dead were raised. As you find yourself in different areas of the country or even in different funeral homes, practices and customs will vary. With this in view, here are some basic objectives:
1. Paying final respect to the deceased: This should be done in a personal way, but not ostentatiously. Respect can be shown without distorting the truth. There have been services in which no mention was even made of the deceased. On other occasions, preachers describe an individual as if he were the world’s most outstanding saint while many in attendance knew of a life quite otherwise. Quoting appropriate reminiscences of loved ones can add a much appreciated touch.
2. Comforting the family: The Word of God is the best agent for doing this, whether or not the family are Christians. In cases where family members are extremely distraught as the service begins, don’t hesitate to continue reading God’s Word until composure is evident. It is wise to have appropriate passages indicated in your Bible for such occasions. Past experiences have shown that just the reading of God’s Word has tremendous impact on the bereaved.
3. Presenting the gospel: At a time like this, the family is generally softened and can be appealed to from the Word. Such an occasion may be used by God to warn family members of their appointment with death. This must be done in a sensitive and caring manner, trusting the Lord for the very words we use. The truth of Ephesians 4:32 should be kept in mind at these times.
4. It may be a time of rejoicing: This fourth objective is not for every funeral. Rejoicing is appropriate for a believer who has been known by all to have lived a godly, consistent life. That one is now in the presence of the Lord where he/she no longer experiences suffering, pain, or disappointment. We rejoice over such an entrance into glory, but must be mindful that loved ones will still sorrow and miss their loved one. That is only natural (see Acts 8:2).
Things to Observe
You cannot start too early to prepare for your first or next funeral service. The next time you attend a funeral, be attentive. Take notes mentally, or write them down. Note:
1. The order of the service: For example, what comes first, when are songs used, etc.? Here is a suggested order: song; prayer; scripture reading; obituary; song; message; closing prayer. There are many variations, but it is good to have some order in mind.
2. Note the actions of the preacher, where he walks in the procession as everyone leaves the chapel, and also at the cemetery. Be aware that each funeral director will give his own instructions regarding where he wants your automobile in the procession.
3. Be alert for portions of scripture, poems, and songs that may be helpful in different situations. Keep a file of them and a record of each funeral you preach.
4. When you are called on to conduct a funeral service, take nothing for granted. Ask the family members and/or the funeral director the following questions and don’t be surprised when you receive different answers: a.) What arrangements have been made for the music? Will it be taped, or will there be a vocalist? What about an accompanist? b.) If in doubt, verify that you are the only minister involved in the service. Sometimes the family has asked someone else to participate. On occasion, you may want to ask to have someone else share the service with you. c.) Verify if you are to have the graveside service and the location of the cemetery. Cemeteries are noted for being either very hot, very cold, or very wet places on so many occasions. For this reason, use the comfort of the chapel to give the major portion of your message and make your remarks brief at the cemetery, perhaps a brief Scripture reading and a word of prayer. d.) Before using a newspaper article or death notice as reference material, be sure to verify the accuracy with the family or the funeral director.
Things to Avoid
1. Customs vary in different areas of the country. In areas where the custom has been to leave the casket open during the service, changing this practice will be difficult. However, whenever possible, have the casket closed prior to the service and not reopened following the service, especially not at the cemetery.
2. You will be of great help to the family if you can encourage them to leave the graveside prior to the lowering of the casket and the filling of the grave.
3. By all means, be honest, especially in your reference to the deceased. If you are not well acquainted or if it has been some time since you were with the deceased, things change and the audience may be aware of things in the life of the deceased unknown to you.
Purposes to Keep in Mind
No two funerals are alike. They vary depending on the circumstances surrounding the deceased, the physical, emotional and even the financial condition of the family and friends. Once a Sunday School child called and made arrangements for the minister to conduct her grandmother’s funeral. Not being familiar with the family, the developing circumstances were disconcerting. The family insisted on an “open casket” service. Ten minutes into the message, three men walked into the rear of the funeral home. Two of them stood at the rear while the third man walked to the front and stood for several minutes staring at the body of the deceased. Though this was extremely distracting, he finally went and sat with the family. Later, it was learned that the two men in the rear were guards and the other was a grandson locked in the local jail. Expect the unexpected.
Some types of funerals you may experience:
1. The funeral of a believer: This is by far the easiest type of funeral to prepare for, though it can be an emotional strain, depending on how close your relationship was with the deceased. The joy of such a ministry, however, comes from the use of the Word of God and the many assurances that can be offered from it.
2. The funeral of an infant or a child: This type of service is emotionally hard on everyone including the preacher. Should you feel yourself “breaking down,” do not look directly at the family. Rather set your sights just above their heads and concentrate on what you must say and not upon their reactions. Using a passage like Isaiah 55:8-9 can be very helpful.
3. The funeral of someone you do not know: Ministering under these conditions needs prayerful and careful preparation and wording. For example, you will hear such words as “Dad was a good man.” This is the family’s expression in view of their recent loss. It may by no means be an accurate description of how he lived and died. In such situations, it is best to sit down with family members and have them tell about the deceased: what kind of parent he was, his relationship with the Lord, did he attend a church, etc. As they talk, listen for something significant on which you can build.
4. The funeral of an unsaved person: When you deal with a situation where, to the best of your knowledge, the deceased died without Christ, again the best thing you can do is use the Word of God. You shouldn’t preach to the family that the deceased is in hell. Rather, use the Word to warn, exhort, or encourage them as to their own relationship with the Lord. Remember, it is God’s own inspired, living Word, and the Holy Spirit can and will use it for His own glory. Just use it.
5. The funeral of a suicide victim: There is much that neither we nor the family will understand in situations like this. Some die from a heart attack often caused by obesity due to overeating. Others die violently in auto accidents where their own carelessness may have been the cause. Others cause their own death via suicide. Rather than be judgmental, direct the grieving family to passages such as 2 Corinthians 1:2-5 or Isaiah 55:8-9.
In Closing
1. Even though you may be told that they just wanted you to know that a loved one has died and you need not come–even if it is in the middle of the night–you were probably called because your presence is wanted and needed. Get up and go.
2. Christian book stores carry such items as The Pastor’s Ideal Funeral Manual. Personally, I have found these to be of little value, except that they group some Scripture passages by subjects that may be helpful.
3. For following up after the funeral, the booklet by Lehman Strauss, When Loved Ones are Taken in Death may be of encouragement to the bereaved family.
4. It is often a much appreciated touch for the local church family to provide a meal after the funeral. Especially those from out of town will be helped. The fellowship will be of great comfort. Those who are grieving will be relieved of the burden of feeding visitors who would likely be inclined to “stop by the house” for a final visit before leaving town.
I trust these suggestions will be helpful, will bring encouragement to hurting families and glory to our God. A funeral can be a life-changing event in the history of many bereaved families. That’s why “It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart” (Eccl. 7:2).