Remember when dads went to work and moms kept the home? Families had problems, but they stayed families. There was one divorced woman in our neighborhood then, and she pretty well wore a scarlet letter.
But things began to change. People stopped believing in “doing your duty.” Life was for enjoyment, we were told, and that didn’t include the humdrum of housework, child rearing, or making the big effort to keep marriages together. If you didn’t enjoy it, let it go!
And let it go they did. At a recent school reunion there, the chairman asked how many of the alumni were married. How many divorced? The second group was as large, if not larger.
Now my parents were old-fashioned. My mom actually enjoyed being a homemaker–or so she said. My dad took his responsibilities seriously as a father, and actually enjoyed it–or so he said. But how could you trust your parents when they told you lies like these:
Lie Number 1: It’s better to do without two late-model cars, designer clothes, a timeshare in Florida, Corian countertops, and a purebred dog, than for both parents to work outside the home. Can you believe they expected us kids to believe that? How are you supposed to hold your head up if you don’t have a polo player on your shirt? Can life have any meaning if you can’t afford to have your blue jeans dry-cleaned?
Lie Number 2: If a couple has children, they are responsible to raise them. I mean, really! Were my parents suggesting that the idea of mothers (without professional training as child caregivers) looking after their own offspring in their own homes, was better than putting their toddlers in the care of qualified strangers at the local day-care center? How could we believe such a thing when the experts were telling us repeatedly that a woman had needs that could only be met in the workplace. And besides, there was no place where children could be nurtured in their formative years like day-care heaven!
Lie Number 3: If, in some extreme cases, both parents did have to work, or in a single-parent home, arrangements could still be made to raise the children without farming them out to strangers. Can you believe it? Of course, my parents didn’t have available the years of research and case studies that have proven how fulfilling and liberating it is not to raise your own children. The parents’ responsibility is to equip their little offspring with the skills necessary to act like adults as soon as possible (how to handle alarm systems, how to operate video machines, how to cook supper in the microwave). Why? So the parents can continue to act like kids! Minimum responsibility; maximum fun!
Of course, my parents weren’t telling me lies, even though society at large said they were. And a recent issue of U.S. News & World Report exposes what the real lies are. In an article entitled, “Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work,” authors Shannon Brownlee and Matthew Miller cite some helpful data.
Are two incomes a must for life’s necessities? Depends on how you define necessities: “When asked in a 1975 survey to define ‘the good life,’ a majority listed only a handful of things: a car, a lawn, a home they owned; a happy marriage; an interesting job; and being able to afford college for the kids. Twenty years later, the Roper Starch Worldwide survey found that most respondents defined ‘the good life’ to mean far more in material terms: a job that pays ‘much more than average,’ ‘a lot of money,’ a color TV. Four in ten add ‘really nice clothes,’ a second car, a vacation home, travel abroad….” In most cases, the second salary adds little to the family income. It goes to cover day-care, commuting, meals out, dry cleaning, a work wardrobe, and taxes.
What about day-care? A recent study shows “15 percent of day-care facilities were excellent, 70 percent were ‘barely adequate,’ and 15 percent were abysmal.” And even those in the facilities rated excellent may be in danger of emotional damage. Initial findings from a $45 million study by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development are telling us what my parents knew years ago: When God designed the family, He knew what He was doing.
And that’s no lie.