Thirty-six years ago I was born into a Catholic, alcoholic family. Because of the verbal and emotional abuse I experienced, I never felt loved. If I was to be loved, I thought I had to earn it. And, no matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to be quite good enough.
During the time I attended a parochial school, I had thoughts of suicide. While attending high school, I turned to alcohol, drugs, and immorality to find an escape from my inner pain. I began my quest for love in all the wrong places, trying to earn my love from those I met.
As I continued to seek new ways to fill the void in my life, I sank deeper into alcohol and cocaine addiction. I even sought refuge in various perversions. I futilely tried to run from myself and my problems, relocating to other States, but I could not escape the torment within my own mind. As I was given over to a depraved mind, it became more difficult to distinguish between reality and imagination. My life was filled with pride, anger, jealousy, resentment, and finally revenge. I made some very unwise choices, of which I am truly sorry, and finally found myself facing felony charges.
My life was crumbling before my eyes. I was losing everything and thoughts of suicide returned. I thank the Lord that He kept me from fulfilling those desires. During this time I turned back to God in a desperate plea to “get me out of this mess.” But He didn’t. He saw my deep spiritual need and drew me aside to get my attention.
I was at the lowest point in my life. I felt that I had no strength left and wished I had committed suicide as I sat in my lonely jail cell. After only six days there, some unknown person left me a gospel tract and a copy of Daily Bread. The Lord used the tract to convict me of my sin and to draw me to the Saviour. I reached out to Him like a drowning person. The Lord profoundly filled me with His presence, His love, His joy, and His peace. My void had been filled by my precious Lord and Saviour.
Immediately I had a hunger for the Word of God and requested all the Bible studies I could get. The Lord revealed His truth to me through Write-Way Prison Ministry’s use of Emmaus Bible Study Correspondence Courses. Daily, I was growing in the grace and knowledge of His Word.
Dorothy Martin was a Christian Substance Abuse counselor who the Lord used in a mighty way to help bring emotional healing to my life. Chaplain Tim Crosby (Fanny Crosby’s great nephew) was used by the Lord to bring much spiritual healing and growth to me. I had been in a prison in my mind all my life, but going to a literal prison brought me freedom from it. “If the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind through the Word of God.
After 21 long months, the time finally came for my release. My big question was what church to attend. I knew, from my studies, that I could not be a Catholic; but, I could not clearly find any denomination in the Scriptures. I remember asking one of the Emmaus Teachers what denomination she was, and she told me she was a born-again Christian, who had been taught the way that pleased the Lord by the leading of the Holy Spirit. At the time, that did not seem to help me much.
But, after fervent prayer, the Lord led me to Spartanburg Christian Fellowship (Spartanburg, SC). I had found a group of Spirit-led, born-again believers that simply gathered unto the Name of the Lord Jesus. When I saw Emmaus Correspondence Courses there, I discovered that Linda Neufeld’s father, William McCartney, was a former board member of Emmaus in the early years.
Though I lost my career as an X-ray technologist because of my criminal record, the Lord has given me the honor of working in His service. I can’t begin to tell you how dramatically He has changed my life in the past five years. The Lord has given me victory over my former practices of smoking, drinking, and using drugs and immorality to attempt to fill the void.
The Lord has given me true life in more ways than one. I love the Lord Jesus; and my life is now guided by the desire to do His good and perfect will. After some difficult spiritual battles with my husband, he now loves the changes in my life, respecting me as the person of integrity that I have become. I have no need to try and earn anyone’s love any longer. My great desire is that my husband may come to know the Lord soon, so that we may share His love together.
I have such gratitude in my heart for those who made it possible for me to complete all 66 units of the Emmaus Courses. Studying the Word was my peace and anchor in the midst of the storm. Be encouraged that your work is not in vain. May the Lord continue to use those involved in such prison ministries to bring others to Himself, and to assist them to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.