In Canada, my illness is predominantly known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (C.F.S.) although the universal name of M.E. (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) is increasingly used. C.F.S. is, in my opinion, a misnomer and only serves to trivialize this devastating illness. Using it would be like calling M.S., for example, by some name after only one of its symptoms — Painful Muscle Syndrome? Like M.S., M.E. is not a syndrome, but a very real disease.
The symptoms that continue to limit everything I do are extreme fatigue, sore muscles, painful joints, dizziness and related nausea, and severe headaches. I have seen very little progress with these symptoms and can only trust from day to day that God is working some sort of purpose in all of this. I am firmly convinced that what is being accomplished could not have been accomplished any other way. I believe that only eternity will reveal the full work.
Many of you say, “But you look so good.” I work very hard to look my possible best for three reasons. First, once it sunk in that I have a chronic illness, I decided that I owe it to my husband and children to look my best. Many days I can’t, but if it’s all I can do that day, I do it. Secondly, I need to do it for myself to keep me from getting totally depressed. It helps me to feel a bit better myself. Thirdly, I am a very proud person. I know that is one area of my life on which God is working.
I worked very hard as a teacher and admit that I was very proud of being a good teacher. My high self-esteem was based, not on who I was, but on what I did. But God has revealed to me that I placed self-esteem above Christlikeness, and “pulling the rug out from under me,” so to speak, has chosen to work on who I am. My worth now is found in being His child, growing in complete trust and dependence on Him as my Father.
As I am learning to trust Him daily and to be completely dependent on Him, I have many times felt perhaps the way John the Baptist did as he sat in prison wondering why Jesus didn’t exercise His power in freeing him from his terrible state (Luke 7). When John sent two of his disciples to ask Jesus if He really was the Messiah, Jesus answered him by confirming the news of His miracles and further by exhorting John not to abandon his faith. C. G. Moore is quoted in the MacDonald Commentary:
I know of no hours more trying to faith than those in which Jesus multiplies evidences of His power and does not use it . . . There is need of much grace when the messengers came back saying, “Yes, He has all the power, and is all that you have thought; but He said not a word about taking you out of prison . . .” No explanation; faith nourished; prison doors left closed; and then the message, “Blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me.” That is all!
So friends, although my prayers and many of yours aren’t answered in the way we hope, I believe God is saying He will do something far better. He will give me grace to bear my illness. Although He doesn’t give me what I ask, He is giving me what He knows I need and want most deeply — a life lived by His power and strength, not my own. And so I will not lose heart. I will trust Him in all things.
God has proven Himself to be the God of all comfort to me. What a wonderful God we have who so faithfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. If you are facing hard times, may you be encouraged by the endurance God has given me, and reason that if God can give me grace to suffer, He can give you grace too. In the hard times, lean hard on the Lord.
I can see good emerging both from my afflictions and the comfort God provides. I pray the comfort I have received from the Father will console you and inspire you to patient endurance as you go through difficult times in your own life.
My physical afflictions themselves have caused both my husband and I to grow daily in our faith. We are made so conscious of our own weakness that we must depend on the power of God. It is then that His power and strength are provided, and we are strong in the Lord. We know we are right where God wants us and we praise Him and thank Him in all our circumstances. Oh, how I love Him and long to see Him face to face! May we serve Him with all that we are and have until that glorious day.